Why?

Years ago a good friend of mine was a Philosophy major in college. I remember her telling me about her final exam for a class was to come into the room and write an essay and the subject was on the board. When she came into the room, there was a single word on the board. Why? I remember her telling me how people toiled over their papers for hours and how they struggled and how they went to painstaking lengths to philosophise their way into an A on the subject of Why. If memory serves, my friend got a B, and was not entirely pleased about it because a couple of guys blew the curve. One of the guys got an A-. He wrote a single word. Because. The guy that got an A wrote two words. If they aren't obvious already, we will get there.

At my first WW meeting this time around, my leader asked us to think of Why we came that night and write it down. The idea being, in three to four weeks, when you have forgotten why you came, you can look at it an remind yourself.

I was stumped. Why did I come there? Well, because it's January, and New Years, and WW is like an annual tradition akin to Pumpkin Pie on Thanksgiving and Eggnog on Christmas, and Chinese food on New Years Eve and all of those are part of the reason it is an annual tradition, etc etc. But that is not the real reason why.

Because I am fat. Pardon the expression, but let's call a spade a spade. Because my medical records say 'Morbidly Obese young woman.' Because I am almost the heaviest I have ever been, and that includes times when I was 9 months pregnant. Because I want to look better - be healthier- fit into cute clothes. Blah, blah, blah. Not it.

Because of the children and husband that I love, and don't want to leave, and want to be able to play with. Still not it.

For me? To do the right thing for myself and take care of my body because it is the only one I get and I currently treat it like a toxic waste dumping ground. Nope.

This was not boding well for my triumphant return to WW. If I couldn't even figure out the basics of why I was there, how was I going to be successful? If I couldn't write something down, then what would I look to for inspiration in a few weeks when I was losing motivation. Losing it? I didn't have any!

I have stumbled blindly through my first two weeks of WW, going through some of the motions and ignoring others. This was my newest excuse. I couldn't figure out why I was going, so why bother. And a few days ago the memory of my friend and her philosophy class came to me. And that is when it hit me. It wasn't one of the aforementioned reasons that I showed up. It was all of them, tied up into a neat little package labeled 'Because.'

Because that is what you do at New Years. New year, new you, better you. New resolve, new food, new willpower. Because, because, because. But that is an A- effort at best.

The key isn't all the reasons I should do this. They are there, they have been there for years. No new ones even come to mind. The key is that I can't think of a single, valid reason not to do this. Being fat is so enjoyable? No. I didn't really want to be around to see my kids grow up? Nope. I feel so healthy and attractive at this weight, why change. Sorry, still no. NOT ONE REASON NOT TO!

So today, I wrote on a slip of paper, and slid it into my little WW folder. I will look at it when I can't remember 'why' I am doing this. I will use it as a source of remembrance and inspiration. I will use it to bring myself back to center, and to focus. It has only two words on it.

Why not?

I did not fall off the wagon or get mauled by a bear

Blog in progress. I swear.

Consistency is key here

And I am nothing if not consistent. I consistently have no follow through, and rarely finish what I start. Starting with the blog. Daily is going to be a stretch for me, but I am going to 'attempt' every other day or so, life permitting.



The 'lifestyle change' is not really in full effect yet, so I am still loading up on crap. Bob Harper would say "Start this very instant." Bob has clearly never been a fat chick with her monthly guest on the brink of joining WW for the umpteenth time. Kiss my ass, Bob!



The budget is in the formation stages. Formed mainly inside my head and rarely applied on paper. I did balance my checkbook yesterday, which can I just say I loathe with the white hot fire of a volcanic eruption, and it looks pretty good. Of course one of our kittens, only having been here a week, has a sore foot, and will undoubtedly need some sort of limb transplant. Lucky for her, she is adorable and I am already madly in love with her.



Organization. Funny story. My mother in law bought me a Mom's Family Calendar for Christmas. It is all about getting you organized. Nothing says you are a sucky mother and wife like a lets get you organized calendar, but that is another blog for a much more bloated and bitchy day. The thing is, I need it, and I actually like the calendar. So there is this planner that goes along with it. I decided it would be good. I looked it up on Amazon, decided I could find it locally, and didn't order it. Then I drove to the mall last night to find it was closed (which an organized person would have checked on first) then drove to another bookstore that was open but didn't carry it. So now it is 10:15 at night and I can't stop laughing at the fact that I am driving around on a freezing ass Friday night searching for an organizer. Proof positive that no one needs this thing more than I do. Will place Amazon order later....not sure what time :)



Sex Life: No headway. See aforementioned note about monthly guest. Mother Nature is a whore and I hate her.

Substance: I have not yet picked up a book, and I spend last night watching all the episodes of Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust. I am so ashamed.

I actually added another resolution of sorts. Physical Appearance. Not plastic surgery or anything, but I just want to get back to be the sexy, glowy, such a pretty face girl, instead of the frumpadump I have been lately. My skin looks like hell, all my own doing by the way. What 34 year old woman moisturizes daily? Oh, wait, all of them, at least the ones that don't want to look 74. Plus, courtesy of diet and hormones and genetics and probablly global warming, I still break out regularly. So last night, I ordered Proactiv. I figure I will give it a month and see what's what. And I am considering lopping off some more hair. I took off 6 inches a couple months ago, but it wasn't really as short as I wanted it, so I am thinking let's go balls to the wall and shave the fucker.....maybe. We'll see. I have been known to back out of these things before.

And lastly, I am beginning a full on closet purge. I have some seriously "What Not to Wear" stuff going on, boxes and boxes of stuff that doesn't fit, etc. I am ridiculously attached to my clothes, not really sure why. Nothing a good therapist couldn't figure out, I'm sure. But I am going to try and let some of my babies go. Free to good homes if anyone is interested :)

That's all. In short, we are making progress, but cautiously. Wouldn't want to do things to fast, I am like the non injured kitten. Sudden movements make me cagey. That's why exercise is so hard....yeah, that's a good one.

P.S. A little TY shout out to Jen, for IMing me and gently reminding me to blog. She kinda rocks my freakin world. Muah!